here are some of my poetry.. newest to oldest [of course the older ones suck]
welcome to My Mind...
NOTE****** I'VE NOTICED THAT PEOPLE ARE TAKING CREDIT FOR MY POETRY AND/OR MAKING RIP OFF COPIES OF THEM... plz remember that these are personal and are like pieces of my mind.. honestly, they have no real meaning to you personally.... thanx**********
who am i?dec4-01 i am a girl. i am only one person. i must find him. i am like a goldfish. i belong to just one person. i must find him. i am someone`s blood. i am friend. i must find him. i am lost.
i can cry. i must find him. i have dreams. i have a mind. i must find him. i have memories. i have hopes. i must find him. i am only human.
i must find him.
sometimes i feel loved. sometimes i feel confident.
sometimes i feel powerful. sometimes i feel beautiful. sometimes i feel happy.
but not today. not today. not today. not today. not today. not today.
and not today.
couldnt say them.oct14/01
he words i couldnt say... now i they are silent.
What horror it is to never be able to say how i truly feel.
The words we said back them, never came true. Those words, we broke them.
Now the words i couldnt say... during the day i ignore them.
No need to say them, i've a long day. When the day begins to cease
those words i couldnt say... they begin to appear in salty drips.
No, i never have the will to say them. In the night, those meaningless words
now i just pray them. -"you promised you'd find me
but that was 3months ago... you said you cared but i never showed it.
Dont you know how i feel?"-
give sept9 give me your love give me happiness
but most of all, give me time.
give me the time needed to reveal myself to you to let myself grow onto you.
give me a moment to understand why why do you love me? please understand
my past is not pleasant.
give me a second to understand love what is it? i always thought about it
but i didnt know how it'd be.
but you never gave me any time... i never got to express myself
i never got over my coyness. i never got to show my affection.
i didnt get a chance to love... again
i havent felt love... for so long
and i havent rid this feeling yet
i have too much time wasted on regret.
love you
aug10 u asked why i treat you so well
"because i love you." u asked why i love you but i cant answer that question
because my feelings for you just exist... i only hope you love me.
in this universe of mysteries love is strong. and my love is for
the only one you. but someone whispered, "no one is able to love."
love you, but now you're gone without saying bye, without saying anything...
"do you love me?" here now i wonder the question you asked me before;
"why do i love you...?"
love you, but what's the reason to love someone
that i have no source of communication to? "hurry and return to me..."
i pray everynight to no one. "where are you?" who do i ask? do you exist?
the crowd of whispers told me "you're alone..."
but i never did believe it when i met you. "i love you."
i say when i see the stars shine but it was really my tears that shone
in the miserable rain.
Today i dont believe i'm not alone-
i believe you are gone. to love you, i should let you go, let you escape.
"how can i love someone who's never here?" but one day i know
my dream will come true...
my dream......july19-01 my dream........ is to hold u;
is to kiss u; is to love u.
in my dream..... i did not hold u; nor kiss u; but i did love u.
in that dream.... u went up to hold me; u kissed me; but i did not feel u loved me.
it was just a dream.
my dream - my desire...... is to hold u; is to kiss u; is to love u.
outside my dream....... in our reality......... u said u loved me,
u have not yet held me; u have not kissed me; and i feel no love now.
---------------july10/01 He lied... He's not over there...
He's right here. Why did He lie? Obviously because He doesn't want to be with me.. And.. He didn't want to hurt me? Why? Why did i trust Him? Why? Love... you are so tempting. Lies... you're so full of it. Why? Why did i give Him a chance?
i can't be with people who take for granted new chances and opportunities to change.
Why am i so forgiving? i hate them all... i hate Players. There is nothing.
Be true to yourselfmay14 B true 2 urself accept who u R lying is untruthful
untruthfulness is impure yet 2 much pride is a sin, especially if it's dishonest.
If we fight, it hurts; as attacking urself is stupidity as the pain grows within. If we surrender we go under so simply accept the way things R
& learn from failures as they gain experience. Welcome urself & be aware
it is only healthy to b who u R. Be true to yourself.
may11/01 i hate it all. i hate those players out there,
who see me as a puppet and as an easy ticket, so use me and abuse me as if
i never have any feelings. i hate those preverts that stalk,
who see me as free entertainment so follow and watch me as if i am blind and senseless. i hate those loud control freaks, who think they own me and command my future, so try and stop destiny if u dare and go as if
i never know how to think. i hate those mackers with charm, who lure me to any bed so tempt me tonight then yell at me tomorrow as if i never will know the meaning of love and lust. i hate it all. i deserve more than this.
'want'
may10 I can't walk in this crowd
Where everyone has loneliness and stigma Weighing them down on their backs.
I can't take it I want to get away I want to disappear And reappear where I can feel. I want to know how happiness feels, Where my dreams are no longer soaring.
This crowd makes me suffocate But I need to breathe. I want to stay where the life of life exists, I want to be where love lives. Feelings survive there,
Good and Bad, Unlike here where everyone is the same With the repeated blank stoic expression And their heads down low. I want to love, Before I know how it feels.
I want to represent that symbol, Where 2 lips lock. I want to love.
cold apr.21.01 ur so cold and bitter it amazes me.
it's so fascinating how u can be so playful and fun at one time loving and gentle at another then so icy and hurting later. i loved you so much back then
and i'm still so fond of you now. even though ur tone is so piercing, with that glare, it's freezes my insides. my heart feels pain from your angry looks and suddenly the ice within me melts so flows the tears that are held within me. things sure have changed... u used to always freeze my love and keep it for yourself.
only now u freeze it to have it shatter. i remember that snowman look u gave me long ago it was so welcoming, simply temptation. now it's so cold... bitter even,
but no surprise because only someone as powerful as you can hold such strength.
maybe that's why i admire you and am so fond of you. if i were the snow, i'd wrap you in a cool embrace. but i'm not the snow.... perhaps you are.
For You
april 13,2001 I drew a picture for you
because you always asked me to. I never did b/c who could draw something
as perfect as you? I drew a picture for you,
it was kinda like a b-day gift for you. Remember? Last year? It's a moomba.
I wrote a message for you, it's on the back of the moomba.
It said we'd be together forever, and I ended off with "Love always".
Remember? Wasn't it charming? Your smile was even more charming tho.
Who could be as charming as you? Yes I drew the 2nd picture for you, on your b-day.
It's a picture of you. Sorry it took so long to fulfill your request.
I drew a picture of you. I love that picture. But, it's not as charming as the real,
perfect you. It's a simple picture really but with your name as the title,
it's a picture of you. Not the perfect you.
excuse-april-7-01- i dont know how to love....
because i hate you because it hurts and i am weak because it's too strong a power to obtain because the rose has thorns because i dont know what love is because i'm afraid because i will sin because it's like a drug to me because it's proof i'm alive because it leaves a scar from your ring because it's just a four lettered word because the word 'hate' controls me because it's the second self of abuse because it can destroy me because it's simply just temptation because i'll lose my identity because it's a test i can never complete because it'll reveal my true self because it gives reason to my tears because i love you
dont ask me why. [but i want to love.]
april15/2001 Temptation... it never puts me down it always satisfies me it's never enough it always feels good even if it's bad it's never right or wrong it's always waiting for me.
april5/2001 The hug... it never hurts it always feels safe it never cries it's always on you it never feels bad it's always what we want.
Untitledfeb23-01
cry like it's the first time the light shone on ur bare skin
scream as if it depended on ur very life............. lose control.
End of Foreverfeb01-01
when my eyes begin to burn...
when you decide to lie...
when i'm all alone again...
when my eyes start to water...
when you stop calling me...
when i'm lonely at night...
when my eyes get all blurry...
when you raise your voice in anger...
when all i'm hearing is silence...
when my eyes start to cry...
when you say goodbye...
when all i'm listening to are the voices in my head...
when the first tear drops...
this marks the end of forever.
jan31-01 ABANDON ME. lie to me...
BETRAY ME.
tell me you care for me... FOOL ME. hold me tight...
ABUSE ME.
stop my tears... HATE ME. love me. No call.
Silence. I feel nothing. I feel hurt. I feel pain. I am numb. Abandon me.
jan29*01 no words to say no hand to hold no body to hug no lips to kiss i am loveless.
dedication to my second
jan17-01
finally, all heartache is forgotten after countless tears and long dreadful nights.
they count much, and alas, i`ve forgotten. now it seems it wasnt the same as in you...
seems i have be banished in just a few nights, or seconds.
what a shame it was, for me to waste so much nights
all for you. it`s a pity that you`ve found another,
FOOLED another, into your game so soon. it`s true,
you are a sick and disturbed coward. it`s true,
you used me for your own enjoyment. it`s true, there was a point in my life that i did
truly love you. and it`s completely false that i still feel the same as i did stars before.
you are my shadow everywhere i look there you are creepin in my mind as you walk by me dark and mysterious and appearin by moonlight you make me happy
just when i think i'm all alone, there you are just as if you're my shadow.
------------------------------jan11-01
cant you tell me now how exactly does the rain stop? tell me now
how do sunny skies and bright days appear after rainy dreadful days?
tell me how can i ever become steady as the sky and stop the rain?
--------------jan11-01
=Lastly=
dec4/00 To the one I've dedicated myself to,
You have become my finale. I don't understand why this can't be solved,
As all real life situations have solutions, And your choice, by far
Is what I have regarded as worst. I gave up before, but sacrificed myself again
To smooth out your rough moment, help heal your heart.
Seeming my duty done, we are happy.
Say you love me, cause forever sounds so good from your lips.
What went wrong? The day before I thought everything was alright,
But maybe I am a fool. I for you, the next day,
Your final say, doesn't sound as sweet. Deja vu, I swear it is.
Don't leave me alone, stay with me. But,
Forever now, forever loveless. I miss you so, I am certain that you know.
Maybe forever doesn't have the same meaning
As I always believed from the start of us together,
Or in your definintion, But if you trust this is the meaning of your happiness,
So be it, I'll remain alone until I die.
=Forever=Dec2/00
I'll wait for you. Even if you cannot stay, I'll remember
Every moment spent with you are my very treasure.
Even if you lied, I'll forgive and forget As time passes for that every reason
And so I can just enjoy you more Simply with every breath I take.
Though far from my hand, I'll learn by heart That two souls can join as one
And distance can only broaden my love. The space ticks away youth and freedom
But he can never freeze the joy I feel with you.
If you do return and I'm not here,
Don't take it wrong because I am still waiting.
And from where I am, if you don't arrive, Depending on the sky,
I'll either steal wings to fly, or tear them off to fall into the dark.
And if you will take forever, I'll return and wait,
as forgotten things still remain, even when I die.
dec032000 to know something, and wonder always
is much frustration... since i know the truth, simply tell me
so i'll feel better. love doesn't exist, does it?
just pure fantasy, a paradox from the mind, untouchable as smokey flames
and false as the angels that protect me. here i am again, depression.
memories are my eye sore and each beat of the heart decreases in mass.
each tear flow as blood in my veins and finally, all cried out
there is no more of me and what i do best, to suffer.
feel
dec-2-00 how does it feel, to make me cry?
to know that i gave up on love long before
then tried again, so i could hope your poor heart?
how does it feel, to know there's nothing left of me?
to know that i gave you all i had
and realize without u, i am no more?
how does it feel, when i say i love you?
to know i gave my devoted heart for you,
hoped to love together
and believe the word of forever?
how does it feel to know?
to know the pain she gave to you
is the same pain you give me now?
sincerelynov30/00
Heaven so deaf Cant hear my forlorn cries.
Heaven so dumb Cant respond to my entreating cries.
Remember my dream, While i saw my true self And cursed my horrid luck?
I admired others: Happy in love, And breathing in wealth.
Alone I weep, everyday hidden. I simply wished for happiness,
The definintion of love, Yet half-filled, Why cant i have it?
So far away, Almost fading distant, I barely reach him,
Become my forbidden lover. Want to scream it, "I'm just in love,
Forgive me so." But forbidden lover, I can't enjoy it completely
Because my joy Is to remain unknown.
outside
nov27/00 Beauty doesn't fade Nor escape or fail on you. You should know that. But tell me now the meaning of beauty... to have creamy skin with a seductive shine?
Or to have the perfect height and slim weight to strut around?
How now can u have this all when you can't achieve beauty in the inside?
The heart is the core of life the breath you need
and the creation of needs out of wants. Without a pure and heart,
your dream of beauty is never found. Yet, where is it?
It didn't escape or fail, it's just not born yet.
Strive to be what you can without worries of vanity for it is a sin.
Let wisdom and kindness wrinkle your brow and care for others
so you may be well known.
STAY AWAYNov21-2000
I wish I could see you everyday
Call you every minute
But Stay Away,
It doesn't seem to feel the same.
You are unsettled as the moon.
Stay Away, I love you dearly,
Believed the floods would stop
Holding you tight, But Stay Away,
Let me believe we've never met.
Let me escape the heart cracks and pain
That is, if you'll let me. Stay Away,
You can help me. Love me and help me smile,
Come closer and understand. Stay Away,
I don't want us hurt anymore.
???-2000
my love... i cried in a whisper. i am not your love.. did i hear you say?
no. but.. i can feel it in you. i feel it deep within,
just like how it was back then except it was happiness and love
that i felt. now.. i feel nothing. But yet i endure pain.
Oct28/00
too bad u can't taste the tears: they pour fast
too bad u can't hear me cry: they plead out loud
too bad i can't see you: it would save my life
too bad i can't communicate with you: that's all i want
too bad u can't see me in such misery: it hurts
too bad i can't have u: perhaps i'd smile again
too bad no one sees this: because i no longer exist.
too bad i don't know if i wish to be in love again.
dedication-Oct14/00-
my love...
i miss you.
but, i think you are truly wise to leave me, as i know...
i am not good enough for you.
such a wonderful soul like you deserves more...
more than what i am.
i pray you will be happy hereafter and find your true love..
thanx for the happiness u gave.. it wasn`t forever like u promised,
but i`ll hold it my heart.. i`ll try to hold it for all my lifes.
it`ll make me smile, then make me cry.
i never felt such love, and such pain.
special thanks to you: you are my inspiration...
you are my love.
[wo ai ni..... 5211314..... aishiteru.....] {..... i am hopeless.}
believe. [sonnet] oct5/00
Rainy day and day, windy nights deplore.
Awful outside, but all's right in the mind,
just for a while: just when my dreams explore.
Yet I try hard to put my thoughts behind.
Tell me now, why can't my love be with you?
But that's fine, for dull feelings can be changed.
In my dream, it's you and me; just us two.
Looks change with time, but love simply aged.
You'll make me so happy, with a pure soul,
Ttgether we will be, everyday and day,
and with one voice, together we'll grow old...
A vow of true love, we all heard you say.
I know you simply don't want me, but see:
Let me dream so that you can be with me.
regret. [ballad] sept22/00
It was a misty day it happened
when they met just once more
soon, they'll learn, it'll become the last.
In the heart, they were sore.
What a sin it was, vile and curel,
confused of such feelings,
The Loves, she turned her back on him.
Now she yearns for healing.
Suppose the dim sky played her mind,
a stigma, she became.
Hear the lonely words they cry now,
deep in shame, she feels lame.
So it seems they'll never forget
the loathsome sight she made.
Full of regret, she realizes,
"We can both use some aid."
"One day, anytime, finally;"
Promise for him she makes,
"Surely, I'll be back in your eyes
for our joy, and our sake."
prayerSept.16/00 Dear Aphrodite, Goddess of Love,
safe and sound Amist the clouds... Let my true love
taste my tears and stop my sorrow. Let your son
Enlighten my love's heart to comfort and stop my unhappy ways.
Empty his ears to hear my pleading cries. Let me enjoy pure happiness
again.. with whom i love.
Death Calls
sept1 I walk, willingly,
alone in the cool of the night.
It's dark.. i know
but the glow of the moon will guide me.
Back at where we kissed
my first kiss,
i sit and recall.
Eyes suddenly water
and i get upset that i've lost him forever.
I get up and leave.
Keep on going
and i've been led to the tree
where we sat and lay together that wonderful day.
That little spot looked so good back then
now it's just an ugly patch.
Everything was so much better back
when i was with him.
I continue strolling,
passing so many areas where i was with him.
Finally, i get home.
Didn't want to
but for some reason.. that's where i ended up.
Yelling. That's all i hear.
Hell. That's all it is for me.
Heaven is lost, and yet again,
Death calls. I've been summoned.
.....aug1 ..... remember me.
I woke up this morning
pretending you were right beside me.
It was only the pillow that i clutched so tightly.
You promised you'd never forget me
through all your lives.
You also promised we'd always be together
but why am i so alone,
crying continuously for you?
..... remember me.
As i rolled off my bed,
a terriably sad song of heartache
played in my head.
i heard my heart singing its pain
and i cried.
Later, when i thought i was done
with the tears,
I heard the song of ours.
We sang the sweet rhythm together.
It was so heavenly
i thought it was you.
But it wasn't.
Hiding my face in my hands,
I cried once again.
..... remember me.
Glancing through my drawings,
I noticed one illustration.
Long ago, i drew a copy for you.
I wonder what you've done to it now.
It was there so you would
remember me when i wasn't by you.
..... remember me.
During the day, I wait for the phone to ring.
We used to pass the day together
even on the phone.
Now, the house is always silent
except for the sound of me sobbing.
..... remember me.
At night, I used to call you
so we could talk once more
and say our "good-night"'s
and "I love you"s
"forever."
I know i stopped calling
when you did, but,
.....remember me.
You still are with in my dreams,
I can still taste your kisses,
and recall the way we used to be.
You were my friend, like a brother, everything...
and of course,
my one true love.
I miss you.
.....remember me.
I don't care if I melted into the air,
burned forever in hell,
and my name forgotten on everyone's lips
just as long as you keep me in your heart
and remember me.
heres my secret>>>
aug10
i stare @ the sky every night & cry.. ever so motionless...
hmm... but dun u know stones dun shed tears??? [right?]
well....i`m ok.... i`ll find the meaning of life when i`m gone.
then i`ll drink dat soup ----- [i miss you] told me bout
& i`ll forget all dat i know of in this life..
i hope it helps me 4get all this heartache.
the story of Griever.
july30 Griever lives
but why?
If you mourn everything,
see everything as negative,
become stoical to all that's cheerful,
why do you breathe?
Griever is sad
because she doesn't learn.
She has been in hell, heaven
now back to the hellish atomsphere.
Fallen in love,
but i suppose she has
took it
for granted.
Now she grieves every night
deploring as everything is seen,
all reminds of the past
of sadden love.
Taking a glimpse of the stars
force her to cry,
remembering that one night.
Griever cries too much
and suffers in the heart.
Motionless with pain,
enveloped in regret,
don't you know stones don't cry?
Therefore Griever,
so you live,
but why?
Pain is felt for everyone
while all else enjoy.
Your distress is your stigma.
Griever still lives, but why?
Griever's words-9th
july31
In crisis,
try not to rot, wither, and die off
while you breathe.
Griever's words-8th
july30
The thought of loving another makes me sick..
perhaps that is the sign of true illness.
Listen.
june20
did you hear me cry, all through the solemn night?
did you see me stare at the stars, dreaming it was you and i?
did you sense me smile up at the sky, then throw myself into my arms?
did you see reflections off my face, from tears that would not obey?
did you hear me cry, as i whispered your name?
did you hear me calling you back?
did you just look me by?
Griever's words-7th
june18
"all's lost and nothing's gained but heartache and misery."
Unknown
may??2000>
Don't know what I'm doing...
Maybe ill at heart.. maybe at the mind...
Or maybe...
I just don't know why i'm here.
Griever's words-6th
may25-2000>
Don't get me wrong::
I love my Chris with all my heart..
But sometimes I wonder if he'd be happier with someone else...
[only the best for him]
Griever's words-5th
may25-2000>
When someone's in love, they always say it's forever.
But forever to one person may differ to another.
They they might not know the meaning of forever,
but perhaps you do.
When it's over, maybe you still love that person.
Griever's words-4th
may25-2000>
If you say you're gonna call back,
make sure you really do so.
Leaving your love hanging can tear the thread.
Empty
may16-00 Empty, yet again How many mistakes must i make
Before i ever learn? How many steps do i have to take
To realize how much i love you? Now i feel rejection. Empty hearted yet again,
Tears pouring out of nowhere, ain strikes for a faint reason
And the heart crashes again. Betray me again, my soul,
Rip yourself out and spill my despair. I said i'd wait forever But i feel used again
And empty yet again.
It was youmar27/00
Long ago
In a quiet night
Just like any other
I had the rarest and most pleasant dream
And left me waken with the words
"True Love" first to escape from my lips
And describe what I just witnessed.
Yes it was you
Holding me tight that night
And shielding me from danger
It was you
Who kissed me ever so peacefully.
It was the very last scene that continues in my head
But though you left me.... wandering around,
Sad and feeling used
Still I whispered "True Love"
Only in that dream
It was you.
My Mind [skoolassignment:meaning of your life]
Feb?2000
Through my eyes,
I can see that I have lived my life.
Not to the fullest,
But it still has a definition.
It is my life,
And a lot has pasted through my mind.
Endless tears,
Thoughts and emotions,
All taught my a lot.
I thank all that I've witnessed in life.
For expressing my thoughts.
To the stranger I've only passed once,
Who taught me to be cautious
And realize I'm going to have to share this life
With many I'll never know.
To my schoolmates and teachers,
Who taught me how to create a future,
With skills that I may have not learnt myself.
To my friends,
Who supported me when I needed a hand,
And showed me there is always a way through problems.
And to my family I've lived with for so long,
Who taught me to raise myself in this world,
I thank you as well.
You all have significance to my life
For as long as I live.
FORCED
Feb23/2000
Finally united with you
Patience crawled in my head
Repeating that that moment will come again.
And alas it did
As I cried my happiness
While being held in your arms...
But suddenly a power beyond my own
Forced me away again.
Reached for you
Crying once more
As I uttered past these tears
How much I miss you.
By myself I sit with griving eyes
Pondering why we have to be apart
Whispering out your name into the empty space
Hoping you'd be here
I try and forget all this sorrow
And force myself to recall
To how much I really do loved you
Griever's words-3rd
Dec31/99
Hearts can be feeble.
They may play with your heart
And mess with others at the same time.
Final Thought.December 31, 1999
Crowding up my head,
Are endless thoughts of 'love'.
I always wanted to be held,
But push back when I realize
That it's not you.
I yearn to be loved,
But think twice and reject
Cuz it's not you.
Because of you,
I don't dare sleep.
Lying in the darkness,
I will think far too much.
I desparately want to die right now,
To escape from thoughts and feelings
That will appear in my mind.
I've figured that I hated you,
So many times,
Only to fall hopelessly
In love with you again.
I'll try to make tonight different
And I'll hate you so much,
Because you really have ruined my life.
I'm so sorry to those
That have fallen for me.
I feel I've broken too many hearts
Along these past 2 years.
To lost loves:
I'm sorry I didn't call.
I'm sorry I didn't go meet you at your big game.
Now I've disappointed you. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I was so rude.
I'm sorry about what I said.
Now I wonder if we can just forget about the past.
Acting like stoic,
I'm sorry I couldn't look back at you.
Now I feel so guilty, like I've used you.
And to you,
My evil lost love;
I'm sorry about what I said long ago.
And now with your blanket of guilt over me,
I'm sorry I met you.
Like Before
dec29-99
Can I have this moment?
And keep this feeling forever?
Maybe you've forgotten
But that was the way we spoke.
Nothing's the same anymore
Except I'm still needing you.
You don't bother to care
As I try to convince you.
But you don't really wanna hear
What I have to say
And you don't see me the same,
Like before.
It's not storytime
This is painful for me
As the days drag on so slowly.
I don't get why you don't see
That's I'm still in love with you.
Pretending it's okay,
I'm becoming your old puppet.
Maybe those promises you made
Were too good for me.
You don't bother to care,
As I try to convince you.
But you don't really wanna hear
What I have to say
And you don't love me the same
Like before.
I believed the best would happen,
I think I sought too far
Now everything is ruined.
Can you still not see,
This is no good for you and me.
And perhaps you should worry,
'Cause like before,
My heart will still be like before for you.
Griever's words-2nddecember25 If it's the looks that bother you,
You've become greedy.
Look past it,
And as each day pasts,
You lover will be the most creation you've seen.
Whispy questionsdec23/99 Whispy voices,
Can you hear them?
They are slient
Like of those mysterious Sirens.
Did you recognize them?
Perhaps they were important...
Do you remember whom?
Do you remember at all?
Can you tell me,
If I was ever important to you..?
I whispered your name..
Did you hear me?
It meant something to me...
Did it mean anything to you?
Griever's words-1st
dec23/99
we have 2 eyes in the front cuz we'll not supposed to look back...
sold.
dec23/99
All I wanted
Was all that I needed.
Greedy me,
'Cause all I really wanted was you.
I would have given everything up to have you
So true of the meaning of desparate,
Along with the words hidden and secret.
Alas, to have you
Made me so proud and honored,
Lifted me up with wings.
But, some dreams miss things out,
And the dreaded could very well happen.
I never wanted this to happen,
My heart's now in two...
I wish I never sold it
Not to you.
Regrets and broken promises
Blanket me in deep misery
Your anguish is pulling me down,
And your harsh behaviour disgusts me.
Shouldn't have,
And if I only knew..
Drown my mind in empty depression
As we keep avoiding our speech.
I never wanted this to happen,
My heart's now in two...
I wish I never sold it
Not to you.
Feeling the same as I do?
Or feeling that there was nothing in the start?
I was I just dreaming?
Maybe just a bizarre fantasy
Released by Pandora?
Maybe yes... but maybe no,
You never talk to me
But I already gave everything I have,
to You.
Dear Diary...december 23, 1999 My life..
Isn't it tragic?
I'm just a love-stuck fool
Who can't succeed in anything.
So foolish
That I have to go through it all the time,
Heartache and confusion,
All the time.
Well, it happened again.
Loverboy of one week,
Already had his Lovergirl for one month..
It just makes me wonder,
Why?
Though I don't really mind,
It was only one week,
But what was he thinking?
What a twisted, dishonest mind he has.
But who cares..
My dreamlover won't talk to me
And that's what bothers me the most.
If only I could gather what's left of my guts
And tell him that I've picked what's wrong again,
Maybe then, I could continue on.
If he doesn't understands,
It really wasn't meant to be.
Wing Heart
Dec.21/99
Innocent soul
Born with recognizable angel wings.
Weak hearted
And love everyone who uttered deep feelings.
Strange reactions explore,
Angel wings flutter with unseen emotions.
Wing Heart,
Fly away....
Because what's good
Will become bad.
Fervid thoughts will leave you sobbing,
And become the empty Greiver of your own self.
Hearts are ruined,
Lies spoil the exhausted mind;
Finally, false words are more evil than expected.
So fly away,
Wing Heart,
Take your broken wings,
And learn to continue
And fly away.
?REBEL?
Dec15
I'm a rebel,
But a good girl...
Teacher likes me,
But my fellow classmates know my secret...
I cleaned my room,
But there's a lotta dirty thoughts hidden...
I smiled at you,
But look for a hinting superior expression...
I said I was just joking,
Because you can't handle the truth...
I'm doing my work,
But guess who's sneaking around..!
Salt WaterDecember 14, 1999 Tonight,
My arms welcomed you.
Because of you,
I lived tonight.
Heart started pounding,
Blood rushed through my veins,
And bright smile for you.
But because of your actions,
I die tomorrow.
Just once more,
Will you turn your back on me,
Lie, then strut off with bane.
I felt alone
But bitterness and and harsh words filled the room
And rang through my ears...
But all unknown.
Just once more
I'll drown alone for you in this dreaded hall
And just once more,
I'll write a ballad for you.
Define
December11-99
Love hurts
Many of us know this,
And it's no myth:
It's there,
But may be painful to see.
But why does it hurt?
Is our hearts so weak and feeble
And can't accept reality?
It simply hurts because we care,
But shouldn't you be happy
That the one you suffer your damned pain for
Is happy?
dead..?November 16, 1999
What happened to you?
Where the hell did you go?
I missed you so,
But maybe you just didn't know.
Your absence was so silent
It just seemed loud.
So I thought maybe you got into some trouble.
You were always so carefree
And complete with life.
Your silence confused me
And got me wondering...
My conclusion:
I thought maybe you were dead.
Don't you have something to say?
Why didn't you call me?
If I wasn't home
I would have been very happy to even see a message.
Where did you go?
Why were you facing the corner?
It feels like you've left me crying,
Alone in the opposite corner.
I waited for you...
I thought always of you...
My heart crushed for you...
And you became the death of me.
Your name reminded my of the past,
'Cause I thought maybe you were dead.
But I remembered you-
You weren't really dead.
But...
I truly am your Griever.
UNTITLEDNov8-99 Feeling bad;
Feeling Low.
I feel their eyes;
Glaring at disgust.
I hear my mother's pain;
It doesn't feel good.
She'll forget about it;
But I'll never forget their hateful looks.
Outcast...
That's the name for me.
Embarrassment...
That's how they look at me.
Depression...
That's how I feel.
Follow your heart-
That's what I did.
Fell hard for him;
That's my secret.
I never told-
That's the other part.
Heartbreaker-
That's my word for him.
My Dream Come True:
That's what I see of him.
I'm struggling,
We all see that.
I'll die for him,
I don't mind...
But someone already did that.
I'm dying inside,
No one sees that.
I cried out,
No one answered.
I'm all alone...
Again?
Maybe if I hid in the corner longer,
I would be Untitled.
HALLUCINATE
[V2]- October 1999
Never saw this scene...
Maybe I forgot to breathe,
And now I'm Hallucinating.
Stoic me?
Why can't I show how I feel?
Without you,
I'd never be here,
Nor could I ever give you your emotions.
What's the point?
Your look tells all:
We can't live like this...
We can't win.
But maybe we can;
Just Hallucinate.
Illusionary World,
That's where eternity lies,
Not in the real world,
With disruptions and heartbreak.
Dream on.
For as long as you wish,
Stay a little longer by me.
Listen to the angels-
They summon you.
But never say "Hi"
After you've said "Bye"...
Learn from your mistakes...
HALLUCINATE --
But don't forget to breathe.
Trust me.
discontentOct.13,'99 Every night
with nothing better to do,
I'll admire you.
Forgetting the distressful past,
and summon only the happy points.
Look past that time you forgot about me,
when you ignored me,
and when you just looked right past me.
Only now,
at this time of realization,
I'll never have you.
You're crushing my intentions poor
and playing again with my emotions.
But poorboy,
you don't know it-
or do you?
Every night you are with me;
every night I wonder of you.
When I say I care,
do you trust me?
When I say I'm obbessed with you,
and cover it gingerly with a "just kidding",
which do you believe?
When I share my secrets and emotions with you
and that I'm in love with someone,
who do you think about?
Amist the sanguine and absurd lyrics
lies the sealed truth:
I can never have you.
You won't allow it...
at least your heart won't...
Too carefree to realize the situation.
Silly boy,
your song welcomes me with open arms,
and your innocence confuses me.
I'll give up my lifetime
just to be with you for a day,
'cause my life isn't worth living.
And, to my discontent,
I'll never be able to hold you.
It'll be late once more.
I'll think of you again,
with Pandora and tears,
or with Cupid and my unseen smile.
truth about himoct2/99
It is my dreams at night that haunt me,
and he is the one appearing in my dreams...
he is the creation of Needs out of Wants.
My Mind
sept26/99
My Mind,
I thought I was depressed..
I thought I was desparate.
I had to have him
and I knew I would one day.
But it's too late now,
didn't make a move
didn't say my words,
and he's lost because my freedom has flown away.
My Mind,
I don't understand anymore.
I'm supposed to be happy?
All in there is in My Mind now is confusion.
Got one,
but wanted another.
So there you are,
in the corner,
hiding away from me.
Why do I bother with you?
Why are you still lurking in My Mind?
I have another...
I can see him...
but you're the only thing in My Mind.
My Mind,
I'd rather be dead and be in someone's heart
than in someone's eyes.
dec4-01
july10/01
feb23-01
December 14, 1999